Bitter Mana: What If?

A/N: The writer suggests listening to Adele's song "Set Fire to the Rain" while reading

. . .



He was living in her house…it was wonderful, it was painful, it was exquisite, it was torture.

She shambled about like a zombie, mere ghosts of smiles and faint shimmers of happiness. She pined for a man who didn't deserve her, for a lone wolf who didn't know how good he had it.

What Anders would give to see Imoen look at him like she gazed at Fenris…he'd give anything.

Sadly, Anders was just the roommate, Imoen offering him a bed simply to protect him from the templars.

He liked to pretend it was for other reasons though…

'You are pathetic'

I know, damn it

"Anders?"

Imoen's silver eyes regarded him with concern, "Are you alright? You looked like you were in pain…"

It had never been so difficult to smile, "I'm fine Hawke, don't worry."

. . .

She was sitting by the fire, a book open in her lap though she wasn't reading. Her silver eyes were unfocused, the woman now blind.

Anders meant to make his presence known, not wanting to startle her…but then he heard sounds that broke his heart into thousands of tiny pieces.

First it was light sniffles, a few hiccups, then quiet gasps, and finally…soft little sobs.

"I-Imoen?" He murmured.

She stiffened, her hands reaching up to wipe away tears, "Y-yes? What is it Anders?"

Her gaze focused on the spot to his left and he ached to just rush forward and kiss her sightless eyes.

Instead he controlled himself and moved towards her, "You're crying…why?"

Imoen bit her lower lip, "No reason…"

"You're a horrid liar my friend" He didn't bother to try and smirk, she wouldn't see it.

Imoen's lips trembled and then her face crumpled.

Anders couldn't take it, lunging forward to pull her close, lifting her so he could sit with her in his lap. Imoen clung to him, pressing her face against his neck.

"It hurts…Maker, Anders it hurts so much!" She wailed, her arms tightening as she sobbed, "I miss him so much!" Her body shook with each spasm, "Three years…three years Anders, and it's not going away!"

Anders grit his teeth, wishing the elf dead…elaborate assassinations danced through his mind, images of how the elf would look if he saw the true power of a mage…the fear…but he shoved those thoughts away as he cradled Imoen to him.

"I know Imoen, I know…"He whispered, burying his face in her shoulder as he cried with her.

. . .

He'd only ever been in Fenris' mansion once before, the day they recruited him…It hadn't changed save for the lack of corpses.

Cobwebs clung to everything, dust blanketing the ground…though he realized surfaces got cleaner as he got closer to the three main rooms the elf occupied.

Fenris was on his bed, holding the book Imoen had given him…about the elf Shartan. His eyes were narrowed, his lips moving as he examined the page, sounding the words out silently. It would have been amusing if Anders wasn't so angry.

"You heartless bastard." He hissed.

The elf lowered the book, glare firmly in place, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me asshole," Anders snarled, "Do you have any idea what you're doing to her?!"

The former slave's hostility seemed to melt, "Is she alright?" He asked quietly.
Anders was momentarily thrown by the change of emotion, but he didn't let that stop him for long, "No, she isn't bloody alright, you used her and then you threw her away!"

He soon found himself slammed against the far wall, the elf snarling right in his face, "Do not speak of things you know nothing about mage!"

"What else am I supposed to think huh?!" Anders shouted back.

"THIS IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN!!!" Fenris cried, slamming his fist into the wall right by Anders' head.

Fenris flew across the room, the elf slowly recovering from the spirit bolt.

Anders' body flared blue, his skin cracking open to leak energy from the Fade.

"Not my concern?" He asked sharply, his voice only slightly warped by Justice, "Three years I've stood by her, held her close when her nightmares were too much, three years of listening to her cry herself to sleep aching for you…Three…Bloody…Years…DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME THIS IS NONE OF MY CONCERN!"

Fenris let loose a guttural cry, lunging for the mage.

The two fell to the ground in a tangled mess of punches and kicks and swear words…

"She deserves better than you!"

"What makes you think you're any better than I?!"

"I LOVE HER! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!"

Both separated…bruised and bleeding. Fenris regarded Anders with a seething hatred, "I see…" he whispered. Suddenly the elf's anger vanished, hidden behind a stoic mask as he appeared to give up the fight.

Anders grit his teeth, feeling his jaw clench, "See what mongrel?"

Fenris shook his head, clutching at his ribs, "Get out Mage."

"Not until you-"

"I said…get…out." Fenris snarled, "now"

Anders spit at the elf's feet, "Fine, I'll leave…I'll go back and comfort her, maybe she'll see what an animal you really are!"

Fenris' eyes slid closed and a look of agony crossed his face, "Do not bear your heart to me mage…lest you want me to rip it out."

Anders left, all anger draining as he got closer to Hawke Mansion.

No…she'd never see…he was just allowing false hope to flourish, and if he'd read the elf correctly…Fenris did love her, far more than he thought was possible for the former slave.

. . .

The rain poured, drowning Hightown.

Anders stood in the courtyard, smiling as the water cleansed his face. He liked to pretend the rain washed away his angst, his heart ache. For a few moments under the rain he could forget his agonies…all the stress of leading a revolution.

Imoen was with Fenris…and that bothered him far more than he liked. It was during their weekly reading lessons that his heart gave him the most trouble.

Fenris knew how to read by now…there was no reason for lessons. It was just a flimsy excuse for them to see each other. He knew nothing happened, what made it torture was the state Imoen would be in when she got home. Inconsolable and broken inside…her soul laid bare as soon as she fell through the front door.

He shook his head slightly, smiling childishly as the water was flung from the blonde strands. He wondered if Imoen ever came outside when it rained, if she stood staring into the heavens as water poured down her body. Would she question herself? Wondering over her decisions, maybe regretting some? Some that involved a lyrium branded elf?

No…those thoughts were what he was trying to avoid. He hadn't come out here to think of Imoen, or Fenris.

The Maker had other plans though…

"Anders!"

He jumped at his name coming from her lips, "Yes?"

He soon found himself flat on the ground, shocked beyond words by her hostility…she'd hit him with Stonefist.

"What did you do?!" Imoen's silver eyes flashed in anger. Her robes were soaked clean through, her short black hair plastered to her scalp. The icy rain caused her skin to flush with color, or maybe that was her anger…for she was livid as she stood over him.

He coughed as he tried to stand, his fellow mage finally helping him up, "What do you mean? I haven't done anything…" He growled, "And what in Andraste's name was that for?!"

Imoen's eyes narrowed, "Fenris…" She hissed, "We had the most interesting chat today."

Anders felt his blood freeze as he completely forgot she'd just attacked him, "What…did he say?"

Imoen stepped closer, her face softening slightly, "He said…that I should be with you."

Anders recoiled slightly, "W-what?!"

Imoen shook her head sadly, "Yes…he said you were a better partner for me, that you were a good man and I deserved someone like you more than an animal like him." She bit her lower lip, and when she next spoke her voice was trembling, "He then said he wanted to stop our weekly lessons and told me to leave."

His own issues forgotten his first reaction was to comfort her. He moved to hug her, "Oh Imoen I'm so sorr-"

"No." Her hands flew out, stopping him from approaching her, "Why did he tell me that? Fenris hates you…"

Anders stepped back, "I…I don't know." I LOVE YOU!!! I'VE LOVED YOU FOR YEARS!!! He stifled his inner desires; this was for the best…her protection.

Her beautiful blind eyes narrowed, "That's bullshit, he wouldn't say something like that for no reason."

Anders couldn't help it, the smirk was his defense mechanism, "Maybe he's been lying about hating me…maybe he's always respected my cunning wit and killer charm."

Imoen's eyes slid closed, "Anders please…" she breathed, her tone sad.

"I love you."

Her eyes snapped open, "What?"

He stepped closer, taking her hand in both of his as he looked at his feet, "I've always loved you…I think it happened when you saved those Starkhaven mages from the Circle…I don't know." He looked up into her eyes, eyes that were brighter than the moon and wide in shock, "All I know is that I've spent the last three years aching for you."

"Oh Anders…" She sobbed.

"I didn't mean to hurt your relationship with Fenris," He confessed, holding her hand against his chest as he played with her fingers, "I just hate seeing what he does to you…three years Imoen; I don't like you in pain." His expression darkened, "So I confronted him, told him he was hurting you…we fought."

"That explains the black eye…" Imoen murmured.

Anders paused, "What?"

"Fenris…he looked like he'd been in a massive fight, he told me he'd gotten into a bar brawl at the Hanged Man."

Anders chuckled softly, before the mirth left his face, "No…it wasn't a bar fight."

Imoen moved closer, "Anders I-"

"No…" He interrupted, bringing her hand up towards his lips, kissing her knuckles, "You love him not me, please don't pretend otherwise."

His heart waited momentarily, the world stilled as he held his breath. Maybe…just maybe…

"I do." She sighed, stepping back, "I'm sorry Anders."

He'd thought his heart had already broken, but he was wrong…his earlier pain was nothing compared to this, "It's okay…" He whispered, "No harm done."

He tried to smile, but the result must have been awful for she let out a strangled sob and wrapped her arms around him.

Her whole body shook as she cried, whispering how sorry she was…

"Imoen…" He breathed into her hair, "Imoen, ssshhh…it's okay…sshhh" He smiled softly, pulling away to cradle her face, "I'll be alright."

Imoen sniffled and he thought she'd never looked so adorable, "You…" She choked out, "You p-promise?" She hiccupped.

Anders smiled, this one reaching his eyes as his thumbs wiped away her tears. He pressed his forehead to hers, "I promise."

"I don't want to lose you." She whimpered, wrapping her arms around his waist as she buried her face in a feathered pauldron.

Anders chuckled softly, "You aren't going to lose me…" Not yet anyways.

His thoughts drifted back to Fenris, and how blessed that elf was, "He still loves you Imoen, you know that right?"

He felt her nod against his shoulder, her arms tightening her hold, "Yes…I know."

"He's a very lucky man." Anders murmured against her neck.

Another whimper escaped her as she clung to him, "Please don't Anders…" She sobbed, "Just…just hold me."

He held her for a long while, the rain soaking them both as the sun began to set.

Time seemed to forget them as they remained like that, Anders lost track of how long they stood outside…

He pulled away, cupping her face, "You're going to get sick."

She let out a small burst of laughter, "So will you."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Let's get you inside before you catch a cold."

They went inside, changed into dry clothes…it was agony but Anders waited, putting on a brave face, as if he'd forgotten their earlier words.

When she went to her room, leaving him to go to his…that's when he allowed himself to break down.

He fell against his closed door, sliding to the ground in the next instant.

'Is there anything I can do?'

Anders shook his head against the floor as he curled into as tight a ball as he could, No Justice…there's nothing you can do.

Justice waited a few more moments before doing the only thing he could to help his friend, he flooded through Anders' body, taking control. He stood, kicking off his boots as he threw himself into bed and helped Anders slide into the deepest sleep possible.

. . .

Within seconds her nightgown was plastered to her body but Imoen didn't care, she just kept running.

She had to see him…had to talk to him. Fenris…

Reaching the mansion she grasped the huge door handle, surprised to find it locked…

She stepped back, looking up into the windows; some of them were smashed open.

"FENRIS!!" She screamed, not caring if the whole of Hightown woke up, "FENRIS COME OUT HERE NOW!!!"

Fenris leapt from his bed, had that been Imoen? Surely it was just another figment of his imagination. He always heard her voice…she was in his head, haunting his thoughts, driving him mad.

"FENRIS!!!"

No that really was Imoen…

He stepped into a pair of loose breeches, tripping slightly as he moved to run for the front door. Something was wrong; there was an emergency, had someone died?!

He threw the front door open, not caring about the rain hitting his bare chest.
There she was…standing in the street, completely soaked. Her white nightgown stuck to her form, hiding nothing…and he had to shake his head to clear it.

"Imoen? What is going on?"

He'd never seen her like this, her eyes almost glowing in the dark. A half crazed look on her face as she approached him.

"I don't want Anders." She said as she drew near.

"What?" He was still half asleep, and she smiled sweetly at his drowsy state.

"I don't want Anders." She repeated.

His eyes widened slightly, "Imoen we can't-mmf!!"

She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she crushed his lips with her own.

He tried to resist, tried to push her away…but she was so warm, her body flush against his. He clung to her, falling back against the stone wall of the mansion as their tongues danced.

He'd missed her…Maker how he'd ached for her; he was tired of fighting it. Why had he pushed her away? He couldn't remember anymore…something about her protection…it all faded with her kiss.

She moaned into his mouth as he growled against her lips, her hands snaking into his hair as his lips traveled down her throat, nipping and sucking at her sensitive flesh.

The rain made her hyper aware of it all, Fenris' mouth leaving trails of flames across her skin as she threw her head back, his name falling from her lips.

He lifted her against him, carrying her inside. He was gone, completely lost; all he was aware of was Imoen…

They struggled up the stairs, stopping occasionally when the lust became too much to bear. Eventually they made it, and Fenris made short work of peeling her nightdress from her body.

Imoen in turn kissed down his neck, her tongue tracing his markings as her hands pushed down his pants, freeing him from the rain drenched material.

They tumbled onto the bed, Imoen crying out as he entered her, "Fenris!!"

He moaned her name against her neck. Too long…it had been too long, but none of that mattered. She was here, warm and soft against him, soft sighs and strained gasps as he moved against her.

Her nails scraped down his back, her teeth nipping his ear lobe.

He could feel the tightness in his gut, feel her hands gripping his shoulders tighter, "Don't..leave me…again" She hissed before smashing her mouth against his.

He could barely form the words against her lips, "Never again…" he growled, "Never…"

They both reached completion, crying out the other's name as the world blurred around them.

Fenris wrapped himself around her, smiling into her hair as she buried her face in his neck. He'd been such a fool…he wasn't letting her go again. He loved her…

Imoen kissed along his shoulder and neck as she felt sleep tug at her consciousness. She snuggled closer to her elf, knowing things still weren't settled.
Words needed to be said…feelings confessed, but for right now, right in this moment, she didn't care.

Things with Anders had to be mended, and Maker knew what would occur in the morning…but the young mage simply pulled her lover's arms around her more tightly, leaving those problems for the next day and listening to the rain fall as she drifted off to a peaceful, and for once dreamless, sleep.