You must wonder
looking at my companions and me, what is it about me? I am a nobody compared to the rest of the group. A pirate queen, a Dalish elf, an escaped slave, a dwarven storyteller, an apostate possessed by a fade spirit
those are only the ones who are with me, the ones you can see. The others don't come to the Hanged Man much. Aveline is busy being a guard, Carver is off hunting mages and Sebastian is praying
a lot. But what is it that makes these amazing people follow me, seek out my presence? I honestly don't know why myself.
These individuals are vibrant and bright, making the world more exciting with only their presence. I pale in comparison
These words are not spoken bitterly my friend, I am quite content to fade into the background, to sit and watch my dear comrades enjoy themselves. I love Isabela's laughter, Merrill's innocence, Anders' jokes, Varric's stories
I even adore the strength and protection that flows from Fenris as he sits in the corner chair and sips his wine.
Most often I am an invisible spectre, an outsider looking in upon this merry band of misfits. It's better this way
less embarrassing. Every time I talk I get tongue tied and flustered, it is better to keep silent. Watch and enjoy the excitement of others
soak in the merriment and celebration. It is enough for me.
I feel a warm hand touch my cheek, caressing my jaw before tilting my chin up. Suddenly my vision is filled with jade eyes
"Join us please
" Ah Fenris
he saw me even when I was invisible, and refuses to let me fade into the background. He loves me
I stand, smoothing the front of my robes before moving into his lap, nuzzling his neck before I nip at his ear. I don't say yes because I can't
silence is my defense mechanism, my protection
my last resort when things get bad and I can't let it go, but he accepts this
takes me as I am and just contents himself with having me so close. His hands move over me, caressing my arms and back as he murmurs Tevinter endearments softly in my ear.
I have been through immense tragedy, not as much as some of my friends
but enough to know what suffering is. My scars run deep and stretch on forever, wrapping around my heart
It has not been easy, nor will it ever be a simple life for me.
But this is my life
and I love it...warts and all.
. . .
Her glassy eyes stare up at me out of a face spattered with blood. There is a gaping hole in her chest
jagged ends of her ribcage poke out of the wound. Hadriana is dead.
I do not see this
don't really care. All I care about is the elf in front of me
he is hurting, and there is nothing I can do.
This does not stop me from trying as I place a hand on his shoulder. Fenris shrugs it off, hissing at me to leave him be. I knew it was coming but it still stings.
He growls as he whips around and storms out of the exit. I run after him, hearing Anders and Isabela call after me to not bother
that he is already gone. I still go
because if it were me I'd want to be chased
He is gone
I'm left alone in the sand, staring out at the ocean as my friends catch up to me.
"Where the hell did he get to so fast Luna?" Varric asks.
"I do not know
but I know he doesn't want to be found." I say into the wind, turning to look at my dear friend, "Let us go home."
. . .
one brief shining moment I am whole, complete. I feel safe and warm, protected. Like all moments of joy it is brief and as it leaves me I feel cold.
Fenris stares into the fireplace, agony etching into his features until my heart begins to crack. He cannot be with me
something happened, something wrong.
Words stick in my throat, choking me but refusing to be spoken. I gave you everything
all that I am
I love you
it's not enough is it? It's because of the magic
I lost control, lost myself to sensation and ecstasy and my power flooded the room. It wasn't unpleasant, and if Anders' stories are to be believed the sensation for the other person is quite enjoyable
but maybe this scared my elf
my Fenris. No
he's not mine anymore, he never really was was he?
He leaves, leaves me naked and ashamed. I stand there
allowing his absence to chill me to the bone until I'm standing in the middle of my room shivering like I'm waist deep in snow.
Tears flow, wash the heat of passion from my face
I move back to the bed, wrapping myself in a cocoon of blankets and let the agony put me to sleep.
. . .
I stumble into the hanged man, finding the people I was looking for. Isabela looks up from her cards, her smile bright before she catches the look on my face.
"Kitten?" It is this pet name
the one she has given to Merrill and I on account of our innocence that makes me lose it.
I fall to my knees and weep, Anders and Varric making concerned noises as Isabela leaps from her chair and comes to me, sinking to her knees before me and pulling me into her embrace. All I smell is her perfume
exotic and heady, intoxicating. I breathe it in deep as I shudder in her arms, my breath hitching with each sob.
She croons a sad song in my ear, kissing my forehead, nose, and cheeks before pecking me on the lips and tucking my head under her chin as she begins to rock me gently back and forth.
Anders knows what has happened
his eyes flash blue and he grips his staff, moving to find Fenris.
I reach out and grab his ankle, my touch is feather light but it stops him and he looks down at me in confusion.
" I choke out, before my tears consume me. His face falls, the blue fading as he sits beside me and Isabela. He grabs my hand and squeezes, kissing my knuckles as he leans his head on my shoulder.
I had thought my heart had completely shattered in the absence of Fenris
but here, surrounded by my friends
I feel the little pieces of my soul slowly crawl back to me. I'm nowhere near healed
but they are keeping me together enough to get through it. The expression blood is thicker than water
it is a lie. These people aren't of my own flesh and blood
but they are more family to me than any others.
. . .
Soulless eyes glare at me, the Arishok rising to unbelievable heights as he stands before me. I am barely as tall as Fenris
I am a speck of matter next to this giant.
My eyes seek out the jade ones I love
finding them wide in fear as I move to duel the Qunari leader. He is terrified, I find him shaking
Fenris never shakes
never shows fear. I want to run to him, wrap him in my arms and whisper assurances in his perfect, pointed ear.
I can't though; all I can do is smirk and give him a cocky wink. He honestly didn't think I'd let them take Isabela did he? Silly, handsome elf
. . .
Everything is black
I can't see
I'm too injured for the spell to work, so on top of crippling pain I have to deal with the fear
the fear of never seeing the sun, never watching the colors of the sky reflected in the crystalline water of the ocean. Never see his smile, or admire the beautiful green of his eyes
Anders is crying out for water and bandages, there are sounds of movement everywhere and it sounds like a mob is rushing through the clinic. Voices invade my thoughts and I realize everyone is here
Sounds of Merrill crying pierce the panic and make it erupt to near deafening volumes as Anders continues to shout with
is that Fenris? Maker
I've NEVER heard him this angry.
HEAL HER NOW!"
"I'm doing the best I can!"
"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" It is a howl, filled with rage and anguish both. I hear a crash and flinch before screaming at the pain the action caused.
all that is left is the sounds of hoarse screams and pained whimpers, it takes me a moment to realize that they come from me
and soon I feel hands touch me
warm hands, the hands of my friends as they all surround me and comfort me.
"Hang in there Luna, he's almost finished
"Kitten don't you DARE die on me
I need you to heal so I can slap you silly for being so foolish."
"Wesley, Bethany, Leandra
I can't lose you too Hawke
"You're strong Lethallan, sooo strong, you can get through this, I believe in you!"
"Damn it Hawke, you just killed the Arishok
you need to live so you can brag about how you were healed by a handsome Grey Warden!" These words are punctuated with a flood of warmth to my belly, the sensation making my arms and legs tingle.
I hear Sebastian murmuring the chant of light
The one reaction that speaks louder than all others is the sensation of lips on my forehead, calloused hands brushing through my short hair as those same lips move to my ear, "Don't leave me Imoen
please." It is a half choked plea and I realize that Fenris is crying.
And so I hang on
. . .
I feel myself begin to tremble as Cullen and his templars take the surviving mages into custody. I plead for them to be soft on the mage that saved Fenris
he did the right thing, even with Grace and Thrasks' insane ramblings.
As they leave I hear Fenris begin to stir. He was taken
abducted on one of his night walks through Hightown. I thought he had died
because of me
because of who I am.
I leap over the campfire, falling on top of him and kissing every part of his face I can get too. He coughs and yelps before beginning to laugh, cradling my face as he kisses me deeply, sitting up and pulling me into his lap. I don't realize I'm crying until his thumbs brush the tears away and he presses his forehead against mine, "Hey
I'm fine, you saved me
" I sob, kissing him again before pulling away, "I'm the damsel in distress, you're my knight in shining armor, and if you ever switch roles on me again I swear to the Maker I'll light you on fire." I growl.
His eyes widen before he crushes me to him. Our friends say nothing, slowly walking away to give us privacy
. . .
My eyes burn
I've reread the same paragraph of this paper seven times in a row and I STILL don't know what it says
This is a favor to Anders, as a fellow mage I've agreed to look over the rough drafts of his Manifesto. It is late, and I can't sleep
not until I finish this.
My head falls forward, my chin resting against my collarbone, soon though I feel my body being lifted, before lowered onto someone's lap.
"You need to sleep." Fenris's voice rumbles in my ear.
"I have to finish this
I've procrastinated long enough, Anders needs it back as soon as possible."
" He grabs the parchment from my hands, tucking my head under his chin as he reads.
you can read it?"
"I admit his handwriting is barely legible, but you taught me well Imoen."
He smiles at me, "I promise to remain a neutral reader
you can skim the rest in the morning after breakfast."
I give him a glare that states he better remain neutral to this cause before my eyelids slam shut and the warmth of his arms soothes me to sleep.
. . .
"I don't get it
" Anders mutters as I help him brew potions.
"Get what?" I ask as I begin to hum while I work.
"You and Fenris
he hates mages
hates our kind."
"Indeed he does." I respond, focusing on the tasks at hand rather than Anders
this is a touchy subject for him and I hope he drops it.
"So why do you love him if he hates you?"
I stop what I'm doing and look at my friend, my brother, "He doesn't hate me Anders, he loves me."
he loves me despite what I am, I know he watches me closely, looking for any signs of corruption
but I know he loves me."
"That makes no sense
"It does if you're me
but you're not, nor are you my mother." He flinches at my tone, lowering his eyes back to his potions.
I'll keep my nose out of it."
I smile, giving him a hug, "It comforts me you know? Having someone I trust looking out for me that way
makes me relax more often."
"But it just sounds so grim
like he's waiting to kill you
"That's because you're looking at it from the mage rebellion's point of view, I'm quite comfortable with what I am
and I accepted Fenris' hate long ago
but Anders, have you noticed he doesn't pester you as much? Doesn't mock mages or even argue when I spare an apostate?"
Anders' eyes widen and he nods, realization sparking in his eyes.
I laugh and squeeze his waist, "You're welcome."
. . .
I have dealt with my condition all my life
the constant fear I'll wake up and find whatever spell allows me to see has stopped working and I'll be forced to live in darkness eternal forever
This is nothing new
in the darkest moments of night, it gets a bit too much and I lose it.
This is one of those nights, I overworked myself against bandits along the wounded coast and so my vision has been flickering on and off all day. It is only now that I allow the fear to grip me, to wrench me from my pedestal. I curl into a ball atop the bed, wrapping my arms around myself and watch the flames jump and hiss in the fireplace.
I miss my mother
I miss Bethany
they didn't understand but they sympathized. They're gone now
and that loss cripples me almost as much as my blind eyes.
The rumors speak of a stone cold Champion, who's made of ice and has no emotions. That champion doesn't exist. This Champion cries
a lot now that I come to think of it. Things often get to be too much for her to handle and she breaks down, lets the darkness swallow her up.
A warm body presses against mine, hands resting on my abdomen as warm breath caresses my neck.
its okay Imoen
But the darkness doesn't swallow me up completely
Fenris won't allow it.
. . .
I am frail when my mana is drained
weak and lifeless.
"Balls!" Isabela swears as we duck behind cover. The Tal-Vashoth are relentless
and Anders and I are completely tapped out
He drains a lyrium vial, handing one to me. I hate Lyrium
it tastes foul and leaves a bitter aftertaste.
"Drink it" Fenris orders me, his bitter tone barely hides his worry and I blush at his concern.
"Hawke!" Anders barks at me before his hand erupts in flames as he tosses a fireball around the corner.
"I hate this stuff though
" I whine, I know I'm being childish but the mana drain makes me kind of out of it
"What else do we have Hawke? Drink it!" Anders growls.
" I murmur, "I have an idea
" I look at Fenris, smirking as I stare at his skin. He gives me a curious glance before yelping as I jerk him towards me, giving the markings on his neck one big, long lick.
I release him and the look on his face is priceless, jade eyes as wide as dinner plates and his mouth hangs open. What's even better is that his cheeks have flushed red
his blush almost as bad as mine. I honestly cannot believe I just did that
again I blame the mana drain.
Isabela giggles as she leans towards me, "Did it work?"
I smile at Fenris, "Nope," I down the lyrium potion, "but he sure tasted better than this stuff
ugh" I grimace before standing and firing chain lightning at the nearest Qunari.
Fenris seems frozen in place, blush still flaring on his face before he stands and leaps into the fray.
. . .
This is too much
I can't choose
Maker please don't make me choose
Orsino stares and Meredith glares
Yes, they're going to make me choose.
I stare at Fenris, who is staring at the ground. I love him
more than words can say, more than my own life
"I'm siding with the mages
" My heart shatters as the words leave my mouth. I look to the ground
I hear Meredith sputter out her threats
and Orsino ordering his mages to get to the Gallows before she has time to regroup
And as the battle rages around me I see a pair of lyrium marked bare feet come into view, just as a gauntleted hand tilts my chin up until I'm lost in his eyes again.
"This is a mistake," Fenris murmurs as his lips hover above mine, "but I will not abandon you." He then closes the distance and I have to say
it is the most delicious kiss we've ever shared.
. . .
" I pant, "Can't go on
" Killing Meredith sapped me of all my strength and I can't keep up with the others as we run
run from the city
run from the carnage
Anders is leading, to where I don't know
all I know is we all have to get far far away from the City of Chains
"Come on!" Isabela cries as she passes me.
" I whimper, falling to the ground
Strong arms lift me, cradling me against a leather clad chest, "Then I shall carry you." Fenris whispers in my ear, picking up speed to catch up with everyone.
Maker but I love this elf.